> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://www.angryexwife.com/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # As a Child of Divorce, I Am Outstanding at Packing - URL: https://www.angryexwife.com/childhood-trauma-caused-by-packing-a-weekend-case/ - Published: 2025-04-17T11:51:50.000Z - Updated: 2026-03-06T12:49:38.000Z - Description: I never felt wanted at my father's home on weekend 'visits' - Author: Anonymous - Tags: Children of Divorce, Personal Story, Trauma, Emotional Healing & Mental Health I am sitting on the floor of the shower, sobbing silently. I can't shake my feelings and I can't shower them away. The music blaring from the speaker is protecting me from my crying being heard. **Years of trauma therapy**, topic by topic, and still I struggle packing up my stuff- which could be just a toothbrush and hairbrush. The coming and going, the back and forth weekend after weekend from a young age has caused me irreparable harm. I have tried numerous times to 'get over it' but so far I have failed. Overnight bags, suitcases, and clearing all evidence of my existence is what my brain tells me even when it's not true. My friend reminds me how I used to bolt from my boyfriend's apartment in the early hours of the morning. Either I couldn't sleep or I would wake with a jolt. I always felt panicky if I stayed too long. Hiding it on weekends with long walks and excessive book reading when I couldn't leave. What if they stayed at mine? I needed to see no evidence of their existence, not a bag, not even a razor. **It made it easier for me when they went home or left for good.** ### **Left for good.** That used to make so much more sense to me. I used to feel so much safer if they could just get it over with and end things. Without realising and absolutely not consciously or intentionally, I would pick a fight or behave in a way that would make them feel insecure. They never believed I was committed. Committed back then meant 'faithful'. I gave the most I could, and today that is not a comfortable memory. **They dated a ghost.** You see I never felt welcomed at my Friday to Sunday home. The room where I slept felt like a spare room where I had no belongings, no clothing left behind except for something outgrown. The room where I slept Monday to Friday was not a safe space. **I always had to pack a case, unpack, pack again, unpack again.** It may or may not be true, but I only recall my yellow toothbrush in the bathroom cabinet that would come out for the weekend and return to its spot on the shelf Sunday morning. A little reminder for me that I existed somewhere else, but I felt my dad never thought about me when I wasn't there. **Out of sight, out of mind.** Here I am, significantly older, and this scar always comes back to haunt me and I don't want to be this person. I don't want to feel this pain. I want to be whole and healthy and have the past be just that. Instead, I am 6 years old again and I am sad, distressed and hurting. The upside of being a child going back and forth between homes and moving house too many times is that I am outstanding at packing. **I could pack up my house today and I would find it cathartic.** When it happens I have to catch my breath, message a friend, breathe through the nausea. I don't want to spend another second crying from my past trauma, and if I could, I would turn back time and take the toothbrush with me. ### Further reading - [I Needed Him to Be My Daddy, Not His](https://www.angryexwife.com/i-needed-him-to-be-my-daddy-not-his/) - [Family Dinners Cause Me Anxiety](https://www.angryexwife.com/family-dinners-cause-me-anxiety/) --- **If you want to share your story or you are a professional who wants to share some insights, please email me** [**here.**](mailto:contact@angryexwife.com)