Is your self-esteem holding you back?

I am a voracious reader, and for many years, I suffered from a sleep issue that allowed me the luxury to read a ridiculous number of books. When I started writing, I lost that precious time and energy, but this summer I finally had time to indulge in recommendations. Eli Barshap (interview to come) introduced me to Steve Hardison, and down the rabbit hole I went until I arrived at the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.

This isn't a book to rescue your marriage or save you from a high-conflict divorce. It's one of those older books designed to nudge you to take a good look at yourself, how you behave, what your belief systems are, and what you can do about the behaviours that aren't working for you. It's a heavy read, but if you keep working through it, you eventually end up with some exercises that are a page long and require some commitment. A minimal amount of time, but not an easy task.

I confess I have not done one of the tasks. 

Why am I sharing this with you? I am tired of listening to people complain about their story and not getting the right kind of help or advice that can propel them forward. The lack of close community and family nearby has lost that smack over the head 'you're being a dick' advice, and the 'have a cup of tea and it will be fine' support. We need it, and when we don't have access to it, we swim in dark, murky waters and cling to really bad advice and negative support. 

We don't trust ourselves enough to make healthier decisions.

The divorce experience is never-ending; it just changes seasons. Sometimes you get on fine, and sometimes you want to punch them in the face for doing something stupid. You are divorced but still entwined when you have children, and that includes the alienated and the alienators. You live rent-free in each other's minds and you can't evict them without doing the work on yourself. That doesn't mean you have to pay someone a fortune to 'fix' you.

I don't believe you are broken; I just think the access to supportive wisdom is missing and needed. 

The therapist I used post-divorce to help me with my children and their father caused utter devastation, but I was alone in a foreign land, and I trusted her because I didn't trust myself enough to enforce my values and needs. She basically gave my ex-husband carte blanche to own my freedom. The therapist I used before my divorce assured my husband that my need for him to put his smelly work clothes in the wash basket and not on the dining room chair was a 'me' issue. I was the one with OCD, when in fact he was the one with no respect or decency, and became a lazy slob the moment we married. Had I read books like these, I might have saved myself some serious money and gained some confidence to say, 'Fuck you.' 

Instead, I had to leave the house messy to unravel my need for tidiness and calm.

Had I realised how little I trusted myself, doubted the essence of me, I would still be divorced, but I would have thrived sooner. Instead, I delayed my needs during the hard years of raising children alone. My Ex may say I wasn't alone, but I still have the spreadsheets with colour codes for when he had them and the time he would collect them and drop them back home. 

The system is designed for people with support, family, and /or a nanny. Not for solo parenting.

I leave you with this quote and a suggestion. If you are considering divorce or are already past the legal side of divorce, read this book. I don't suggest reading it whilst in the eye of the emotional storm. Before you mutter out loud, 'divorce,' take a good look at where you are and who you are today. 

Divorced? It takes time to recover from the initial process, and it can all feel a little too much at times. We can't stop the world, or press pause, or 're' something or other, but if you treat this like servicing your car, you may just set yourself up for a healthier 2026. 

'We can run not only from our dark side but also from our bright side- from anything that threatens to make us stand out or stand alone....The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may deny and disown our shortcomings, but that we deny and disown our greatness...' (details)

As always, reach out, share, tell me your story, your perspective, a comment or two. Divorce sucks, and together we can reduce the stigma of shame and failure that society insists comes with.