My Thoughts About Co-Parenting During Exam Stress.

Small actions can support your child.

I write my thoughts as a mother of a child in the midst of exam hell. As a Solo parent 95% of the year, I find these stressful times difficult to balance alone. I am reminded of my childhood and how I struggled balancing the demands of school between two homes.

Education for me was really awkward. The schools I attended were for intelligent and academic children whose parents wanted them to go on to achieve greatness. Schools back then were not pro children of divorce and being shipped back and forth every weekend made it really hard for me to complete homework assignments. I couldn't focus. Neither of my parents was academic and my father wanted me to leave school at 16. My mother was a creative who cared little for study or exams. Weekends also meant sharing a room with my noisy little sister- who in all honesty was hilarious- but didn't care that I was reading or writing an essay or studying for an exam as she told joke after joke and laughed herself to sleep.

'You are on your own kid.' my mother used to say. 

It was stressful in that I had no quiet space or a supportive environment to succeed. It was a nightmare and I guess I threw in the towel way before exams began. I was surrounded by MENSA's finest, all from non-divorced homes with exceptionally supportive parents and still I watched them panic and cry from the pressure. I can't imagine how much harder their life would have been if they had been forced to cope with two homes.

Now, take a moment and look at your child and consider the stress levels you see and the anxiety you don't. Have you sat down and had a conversation with your child about what you can do to support them when they are under pressure? You may think your child is doing great, and don't forget the high achievers slip under the radar because they appear to be on top of things and the school hasn't called you in, but they struggle too.

Do you know what is required of them in today's competitive lunacy?

People say 'Kids adapt.' 'They should be used to it by now.' or a parent will say, 'It's my weekend.' and yes, we do adapt, and we do get used to two homes and we do want to see both parents, but we also need to know it's OK to turn up for ourself.

Children don't want to disappoint you and that means they put their needs aside in the name of peace.

I want your child not to be scared to tell you, 'I need one room and one schedule whilst I am studying and taking exams'.Would you be offended? What can you offer instead of the mid-week stayover? Could you collect daily and take them to school or something else that eases their split time and split loyalty?

Laptops and learning teach a lie that our children are portable and can work from anywhere. I know I can't, can you? You may not realize that wanting your scheduled time with your child trumps their stress levels and their needs. Or, could it be that your home is a quiet sanctuary away from siblings and noisy pets and they want to come and stay with you? Would that be a yes or would that interrupt your life?

Yes but no but my ex but and but.. 

What are the consequences of not supporting your child? I can't speak for them, but for me, I recently learned that my needs are rarely considered by others or myself. I live with the luxury of retrospect in that I should have done it all differently. 

My advice to you as a child of divorce:

Do better, be better, put your issues with your ex aside and be there for your child.

You cannot tell me you are unaware of the consequences of stress.

Would you like to share some tips or an experience? Are you a professional or work in the school system? Reach out to contact@angryexwife.com and share your story with me.