My Thoughts on Divorce for 2025

There are themes in divorce that are obvious, but the more I write, the more I say, 'Oh, that happened,' and my perspective shifts. 

An interview I had with a lady a while ago wasn't a story that could be written up in any way that would make it an interesting read. Yet her story shared valuable insights as to how things were already wrong before she said 'I do'. 

Not everyone is getting it wrong, and I state again and again that I am pro-marriage. I don't see marriage as a restricted, punished space. I see people who get it right, and there is something so calming to be around them. The small signals, the little smiles, or the glance across a room to check in on each other. 

Back to the lady I believe got it wrong from day one. I don't dismiss her love of this man, or that having children with him was a mistake. No child is a mistake. 

“The day you were born is the day God decided that the world could not exist without you.” Rav Nachman of Breslov, Hasidic rabbi 1772-1810

She was young, she was away from her community, and she fell for him. He was emotionally wounded, he had behaved very badly and naively with someone else, and yet she felt she could lift him up and show him a better way, her way. But she never stopped to consider the person he was and how it would impact her future. 

Oh, the joy of not having a prefrontal cortex developed enough to realise this at the time. 

She wanted the dream, the fairy tale sold to us. She was hard-working, super capable at getting things done, a doer. Everything he wasn't, and this is important. Just because she thought he couldn't, doesn't mean she shouldn't have given him the space to step up and do. She excelled in her skills, so he never had to bother, and the weight of everything fell on her shoulders. She carried his dead weight, his laziness, and his immaturity. Always projecting his future ability and success, but refusing to realise he had no intention of becoming her ideal version of himself. He remained a boy. Of course, I have not heard his story, but the way she told it, and the way she defended her decisions was so similar to other girls I knew. 

'He could have been so successful, if only he had listened to me' 

I believe this comes from upbringing and movies. I believe this is a conditioning that is damaging to all. It blinds us from the person in front of us. Men have the same issue but different. 'I thought she would make a great mother. ' The picket fence, the baked cakes, the slippers by the door? Well, often she becomes that great mother, but then the sexy lady flirting with him becomes his seductress and that mother is left exhausted, in need of partnership and teamwork.

Instead, she is often slammed with the pain of adultery. 

Another theme in her story was that she worked, she was successful, she was the main breadwinner and it was her family that helped support them so she could be that woman. Unfortunately, when she had a health issue that required her to slow down and heal, this is when she got to see who her 'man' truly was. She was no longer able to do everything, and he had no interest in stepping in. She was alone 'for the first time', but it wasn't the first time.

It had always been that way from the day she started dating him. 

Their divorce was ugly, and he got mean. It sounded to me that he would be that person from the way they dated, the way he was the victim of his bad decision-making, when she had to 'rescue' him from life. He met someone new, obviously 'someone who didn't give him grief' - she had once been that person to him. Meanwhile, she had to hold her life together, children, debt, and her health. Without realising it, by not working for health reasons, she had disempowered herself. She was distressed, hurt and grieving her own fairy tale. I am sure that when she heals from this experience, with the right support, she will go back to being successful. 

At the time of the interview, she was in an emotional funk, a vicious cycle of recalling her story and the dream she once had. She is a strong character, and sometimes when we are strong, we hold on to patterns that protect us from the bad, but it also deflects the good. I know this from personal experience. 

Going into 2026.

I want to remind married people who are struggling- you need a lot of time to make your marriage work again. Ten sessions or so are not enough. It takes accountability, responsibility and commitment to do the hard work and change. Even if you know you are divorcing, it is highly recommended you both deal with your grievances before you leave. 

Your children will thank you for treating each other with kindness and respect.

If you are thinking about divorce and don't have a career or an income that can support you, start looking now. Find something that you can do, interests you, and it doesn't have to be your passion. Passion rarely pays the bills. Your passion should be a roof over your head with food in the fridge. 

If you are divorced, how about you share your story with me privately so we can discuss what you wish you had known, who you thought you would be and who you actually became. You can contact me here.

Wishing you all a peaceful and healthy 2026.