Paranoia or Reality? What do you do when you suspect your spouse is bugging you or stalking you?

How do I know if I am paranoid? 

I recently met a woman in the midst of divorcing a man who had previously been physical with her. Although she had recorded the details of her injuries and bruising, she was terrified to file an incident report. She has three children, and her greatest fear beyond the violence is that her children would be taken from her or worse, he would get the kids. Many of these violent men are incredibly charming and very good at persuading people of their innocence. There is also the punishment that comes afterwards, which is why women can't just leave. 

He claims she is faking it.

She waited to start the process now that her children are a little older, and she is well aware of what she is up against: a man who will psychologically torture her and potentially harm her. The threat is real and although it may not be physical, living under this cloud of threat is damaging. She believes he has bugged the home and knows where she is at all times. 

She is being worn down by his constant harassment, and there is little she can do about it. Sweeping the house for bugs is far more expensive than she can afford, and she is convinced he listens in on all her calls and reads her messages and emails. 

Paranoia or real, she needs to know the truth. 

"It's easier to digest if it's true."

I reached out to the private protection firm, Pinnacle Risk, whose main client base is high-net-worth individuals and corporate clients. I wanted to learn more about what people in this situation can do to help themselves and her clients live with a natural extra layer of security.

This is the advice that should be heeded when one's life is under threat.

Sweeps

You know the Hollywood scene where they run their fingers around the back of TVs and light fittings- it can be that simple, but often it's not. In this person's case, it's a house with many rooms and lots of hiding places. You will need a trained operator who has not only expertise and understanding of the technical equipment and the latest devices that are getting smaller, but someone with experience who knows more of what and where to look. These sweeps take time and patience. The upside of this is that the person installing these devices would also have needed time and access to the home. These devices require power for recording and listening, which can be battery-run, power sockets, or light fittings. When looking by yourself, the battery-run devices are noticeable and clunky. Look behind TVs and be sure of what is actually plugged in. Don't presume it's a new fire-stick. 

Phones, Tablets, and Laptops.

If you believe these devices have been compromised, it is recommended to buy everything new and start fresh. Onsetting up your new devices, NEVER connect these devices to your home WI-FI or Bluetooth. On your mobile phone/laptop ‘settings', do not use your name. They also recommend installing a firewall to increase the level of protection. 

I was also advised by someone else in this situation to keep using the old devices for the mundane so as not to arouse suspicion. If you believe you are also being followed, try not to hang out at the same place to mitigate the risk of being hacked. 

You are better off going to a cafe or a library and using their Wi-Fi should you need to. 

Your Car might be sharing your location.

Another clue to being followed is them turning up at random places as though they knew you were there. Check for Car tracking devices, which are generally placed towards the back of the vehicle and are easy to identify. You are looking for a black box the size of a pack of cigarettes. They stick out. Get down on the ground and use a torch to scan the underneath of the vehicle and the tyre rims. You will need to feel for it. Newer car models have apps, especially electric models. You may not even be aware of this, but these apps show your location as a safety option to find your car. Download the appropriate app and reset the password. You may need to contact your car dealer for a total reset. Theymay have had access to your vehicle settings to follow your movements.

Personal Safety

When you believe you are being followed by your spouse, ex, or even a private investigator or someone more nefarious, consider making the following changes. 

a: Change your daily patterns, your known rituals. Don't go to the same coffee shop, change your walking route, andmeet friends in new places. Take different routes to work, leave earlier or later, try a new gym, and change where you shop every so often.  It's exhausting and annoying to have to change your routine, but this is for your safety. 

b: An uncomfortable truth is that you need to learn to keep yourself safe. This may require learning something like Krav Maga or Jujitsu. It will help build your self-esteem, confidence, and self-protection. As in buy yourself time to call for help and/or run. 

c: Install video cameras and doorbells, set up a strong password and use 2FA. Make sure you aren't sharing passwords on your children's devices or devices they have access to. I have a secondary phone for this- and I am not being stalked or harassed. Cameras offer layers of protection- knowing when someone is near your home, or before leaving check to see if it is safe to do so. The video footage also provides evidence should you need it. You can set them up to see cars that are parked slightly further from your property. 

d: House alarm- I have lived with one all my life, and now I have one with an app on the phone, and each person has their own entry code- including the cleaner. I have alerts set up, and often I will use the cameras to check who has entered the property. It's that easy today.

e: Routines are your enemy, which is hard to avoid when you have children with schedules.

The weakest link in cybersecurity is people, and in this case, your children.

The weakest link in cybersecurity is people, and in this case, your children. Your children have the Wi-Fi password on their devices under passwords. They will have all your shared account passwords. Your family cloud account is also a fabulous back door into your life. I know of people who still have access to their ex's Netflix account and like to see what they have been watching. There are new ways of getting around this, but you will have to keep up to date with this and conversations with the children are age-dependent. Yes, your children will probably still be spending time with their abusive parent because they have never been the target. (don't get me started) 

Importantly, friends, family, and colleagues need to know you are afraid and at risk. If you have security in the building, let them know too.

More importantly, do NOT be ashamed.

If you have someone you can call when you are heading out or heading home who is happy to check in with you, then do it.

You have to learn to be aware of your surroundings at all times, and your senses need to be working. This means NO headphones and NO chatting on the phone when out and about.

In the UK, you are not allowed a 'defensive' weapon, but you can use FARB spray. It's a dye that takes 7-10 days to come off the skin.

From personal experience, the Police need you to file reports. Every time they get called to an 'escalated' situation without an evidence trail. They will carry out our standard procedure, but in most cases will not be able to assist you further to the level you may require. The first time you call the Police is considered the 'first incident'.

Every country and State has its own laws on self-defense and protection. It is up to you to learn what that means for you. (Don't fully trust ChatGPT). There is no harm in calling the local police to ask for advice on whose number to call. Keep those numbers in an easy place to find, should you need them. 

Should you want to reach out to Tracy at Pinnacle Risk click here

If this story resonates with you, or you had a friend or family member experience this, share with me what you did, what they did and how they got through it. Every bit of extra personal experience and advice in this space can save a life.