The Academic School Year Check List: Do it Now.

As a single parent, with whatever custody agreement, your child needs you to be organized. It can be exhausting and frustrating, but the school system hasn't evolved enough to help divorced parents succeed. One friend suggested that sometimes the teachers are too young to even realise the stress a child experiences being shuttled back and forth to two homes.

Personally, I found the academic year to be chaotic, and stressful for myself and especially the kids. No matter how hard I tried to stay on top of things, between my Ex and the school's last minute emails, there was always something forgotten and needed 'urgently'. The number of times I got a knock on the door at 7am with a child frantic for their homework, a book or sports shoes or who knows what was unreal. It always left me distressed with a sense that I was failing my child by comparing myself with families that had their sh*t together. I can't imagine how my child felt in those moments.

Had the teachers been a little more empathetic it would have taken a load off of their little shoulders.

This is the list I wish I had been given. Manageable actions that can rescue you when you least expect it.

In no particular order 

For the parent who didn't partake in day to day chaos of raising children. The education system is rigged so that the mother will get all calls as they 'prefer not to disturb the father at work.'

• Write a letter to the Head and the Secretary of your child's school and let them you are divorced and juggling Co-Parenting. Request they send you all the emails that your Ex would receive and anything and everything to do with your child's education. Advise them which days and times you are dropping and collecting and remind them to use you as an emergency contact too.
• Once you have your child's timetable and the names of the teachers, open up your phone and add the name, subject, and contact details. Introduce yourself and request they keep you updated with the same emails as your Ex.
• Once you know who your child is friends with, add the parent's details to your phone.
• Ask if there is a WhatsApp group. I avoided these groups like the plague, but they can be useful once in a while. 
• The school website usually publishes term dates a year in advance. Add them to your phone now.

The day you get these details sit down and complete the above.

Navigating School Events together whilst apart. 

Parent's Evening. This depends on you and your Ex and how you behave together in a room. Should you not be present, contact the school in advance and let them know. Request a call from the teachers to discuss your child's progress. You cannot and should not rely on your Ex to update you fully. Should you be at the meeting and they are not, I recommend note-taking and emailing them to your Ex. Why? Because you care about your child.

School Plays, Concerts, and so on.

Unless you and your Ex have consciously un-coupled you are going to have to work this out. IF you are not on great or good terms, before you go ten rounds in the ring about being at everything, remember how utterly stressed your child might feel about having you both in the same room. The anxiety is enough to trigger a body response of a fever or a sore throat. Find a way to share these events.

Remember being on stage for a play is hard enough without your dynamics making it harder.

The second you get an email about a concert or an event, add to your calendar immediately. It is surprisingly easy to forget.

During the term, there will be practices, tournaments, and rehearsals. The logistics can be a nightmare. I have heard eople complain 'My ex refuses to...on their weekend/day.' If this is you, stop it! Ask yourself why you think it's OK to sabotage your child's sanity at school or a club they enjoy? Had you remained married you would have had to divide and conquer. This may impact your social life, but these years fly by and the reward is far greater.

If you are the one struggling being in two directions at once, you can call your Ex and ask them to partake in sharing the load. They might want to, but feel like they are imposing on you time.

You don't know unless you ask.

I have also heard partners complain 'Why does he take his kid to swimming club when it's not his weekend?' Think about this sentence and ask yourself what your child feels when you don't turn up. Ask yourself why you would date someone who doesn't consider your relationship with your child? 

Homework

Getting a child to do their homework is a battle for most parents. A child going back and forth between two homes adds an extra layer of 'I forgot my book'. I taught my children to complete their homework on the day for a few reasons. The material is fresh in their mind, if they don't understand something they have time to ask the teacher, and if they are going to their other parent who didn't care about school work- they could relax as it was all completed.

Your role is to make their lives as stable as possible, and they will need a space to focus. There is often a stigma for children of divorce when they turn up with incomplete homework, or are overtired and can't focus.

Art Supplies- What? Why? My kid doesn't take Art.

Kids seem to get these crazy projects to make with plenty of time, but we only find out the night before it needs to be handed in. One parent will have this long list of supplies thanks to past experiences. If that's not you, pay attention because the other kids are going to turn up with uber projects of varying degrees. Your kid will be in a tizz and might want to go home to the parent who has the supplies. Your Ex might not be alone, or they might not be home. It might upset your kid.

This list is useful beyond the junior years and will probably be used to make last-minute birthday cards for friends.  

• UHU and Pritt-stick
• Color Paper
• Sellotape
• Ribbons, Glitter, stuff like that.
• Scissors
• ice-cream sticks
• a box to keep in it.
• Print paper and a printer with ink. Software updated. 
• Stapler & extra staples.
• Needle & Thread. (at least black and white) 
• A collection of Acrylic Paints + cheap brushes
• spare pens, pencils, erasures, and color pens. 

Uniforms

Does your child wear School Uniform? Get the school booklet, read it and make sure you have enough. Non-uniform schools probably have some rules you should be aware of.

Sports Kit- your child will be singled out when they arrive out of kit. The teachers are not trained to be compassionate about the logistics of a child navigating two homes. If you know your kid has sports on Monday, wash everything on Friday, and put it back in the bag ready by the door by Sunday. It leaves you time to find things that are missing or don't fit. Have a spare pair of shoe laces, hair ties, or bands. 

Extra-Curricular Activities

Do they have after-school activities or clubs? Music lessons? Do you know what they need? Are you on the email list for updates? Do they need to practice? Do not rely on your child to tell you. It's for you to call and ask and make sure you know. Again, Do Not rely on your Ex updating you, they might forget, not to spite you, but because they are human.

Parenting Apps for when you and your Ex are incapable of communicating. I have heard positive reviews. Use them and update me on which one you prefer.

By being as organised as you possibly can you are supporting your child's academic experience. Parenting is about turning up, and knowing what your child needs is setting a great example. Be that parent. 

Have I forgotten something? Let me know in the comments.

If you would like to share your story (anonymously) or share some expert advice and insights, please contact me at contact@angryexwife.com