The most ordinary of marriages

I am 70 years old and divorced about 20 years from my first wife. I loved Ann; she was kind, warm, generous, and we slotted into our suburban role seamlessly. We had our beautiful home, our perfect children, the lovely neighbours and friends. Perfect couples congregating in our yard, sharing cocktails and jokes over a BBQ lunch. The children all played together, and our kids were considered academically successful. One played the guitar and the other played football.

You can't ask for a better suburban dream than us, which is why I killed it.

I didn't mean to. I started to work less hours, had time on my hands to be a dad. To come home earlier from work- not early, but then the kids were older, so early enough to impact the dynamics.

I didn't realise how divided our roles were.

I saw Ann as a bored housewife, managing the mundane and all the things mothers did. I wanted more for her, a small business, a few courses, something to expand her horizons. I just didn't ask if that was what she wanted for herself.
I thought I was being generous, modern, impactful, and kind. What I was doing was trying to uproot her from the very things that she was content with. I wasn't content, and I wanted more.

She sighed every time I made a suggestion, until eventually we accepted it was time to part.

I wanted to wait till the kids were a little older, but she insisted that kids are affected at any age. It's true. I gloated about how generous I was, I 'gave' her the house and the kids and took a small one-bed place nearby. I asked for very little and got little in return. I was passive and kind - I didn't want to change their routine or rock the boat, so I saw less of my kids than when I worked long hours. They were old enough to drive, which meant I wasn't needed, not even to drop them off at games or rehearsals.

I made my peace with it, but in retrospect, I wish I had made a little more noise.

If I could go back in time would I change anything? I don't know, but I do know that had the world been different about men raising their children, had we shared the load, both physical and emotional, maybe we would still be together. Maybe our roles wouldn't have been so defined that we had the opportunity to grow so far apart.

Did I get the excitement that I was looking for? Yes, but like all good things, that came to an end too.