What I Learnt Listening to Men at a Divorce Support Meeting.

After my latest interview with Both Parents Matter, I was inspired to turn up to a divorce support group. I happened to be the only woman, and I let them know I was there to observe and stay silent. ( If you know me, you know that was good intent).

Chatham House Rules apply, which means everyone is protected in the agreement not to share any identifiable details.

On arrival, there were less than a handful of men, and I presumed I would be out the door within an hour. However, more men turned up and I stayed long after the meeting had ended. I learned a new perspective on how men experience divorce and how vital it is that these support groups exist. These facilitators generously volunteer their time, experience, and expertise. 

Their words of encouragement and honesty about what may lay ahead were difficult to digest, and I came as an observer. 

The men at this meeting are struggling, they are distressed, perplexed, and hurting. Some of the things they shared I would have happily reported to authorities - as a woman. Men fear that reporting the same issues would be used against them and penalise them in their basic need to be in their child's life.

Society holds us all to a different standard.

A common theme I picked up on was the uncertainty of their legal rights and the belief that the system would empower the other parent to remove all access. It's a real threat. They all wanted access to their children without having to fight for the right to be a parent. Some of these people had access, but wanted more, and others had no access whatsoever and for no apparent abusive or dangerous reasons. 

The system isn't rigged, it's archaic and distorted for the modern world.

We know most men are more than capable and able to raise their children. They want to turn up, they want to watch them grow up, and yet they fear upsetting the mother. The consequence is their frustration and distress come across as anger and resentment. The mix of these emotions and holding it together causes a downward spiral of despair and that is not something most people can overcome alone.  

The suicide rate of men is high. It's known amongst health professionals but is rarely publicized in mainstream media. The relationship men have with the world has changed, and with it, a void where they have become increasingly more isolated and are uncomfortable or unaware that there are people they can reach out to.  I will be interviewing a male divorce coach soon, so watch this space.

Supposedly, we no longer live in a world of 'pull yourself together 'and 'get on with it.'  I just don't think most men got the memo.

This is my unsolicited advice to the men who are home alone, struggling, worrying, isolated and feeling void of all hope. I want you to do a search using the following keywords with your location, or the location near to your place of work. I recommend turning up, but if you can't, then join an online support group.

• "mens divorce support group"
• "divorced dads support group"
• "mens divorce counselling"
• "help for single fathers"

Read my article about Our Kids First, you will learn about Billy who started his own support group for men by being stubborn and persistent in his values.

He invited total strangers to dinner. 

My main take aways from this support meeting was Language, Communication and Self-Presentation.

• Never bad mouth the other parent. Never blame or shame even when you are 100% right. Never put the social worker or court in a position where you are demonizing or admonishing their lack of or incompetence in your case.

Never complain or file a complaint until after the case is over. 

• You need to show the mediators, social workers, and courts that you are part of the solution and you are there to do what it takes for your child to grow up with both parents. 

It is not an easy task when you are emotional and want justice in a system that is broken. You want it to be fair? It's not fair. The backlog in the courts makes it even harder because the waiting game to see your child/ren can be prolonged. You have to be organized and give the court no reason to postpone or delay your hearing. 

If you are struggling, please reach out to someone. I am not qualified to help you, but if you want to share your experience of divorce, please contact me contact@angryexwife.com. or if you prefer IG: Lovelifeevolve or IG: Angryexwife