Both Parents Matter!

For me, 1974 wasn't that long ago, but the world has changed in ways I can't begin to explain. Personally, I was at a school where maybe five people in total had divorced parents, and those kids got to see their fathers on the weekend, and sometimes just for lunch on Sunday. We took it for granted that time with a father was limited and better for everyone. As an adult writing about divorce and meeting many single fathers, I realised something sad; these men all struggled with the same thing,

'I miss my kids and I am missing out on them growing up, and there is nothing I can do about it.' 

In 1974, Families Need Fathers (FNF) opened their doors to fathers struggling post-separation and post-divorce. It startedas a place to come and have a chat, but it grew into much more. Imagine a world without the internet and most of your community stayed married, miserable or not. Imagine where you would go to get support, knowledge, and advice for free? It didn't really exist, which is why demand grew rapidly across the UK. 

The common theme was the unfair and biased treatment fathers received in the Family Court. The world was wired to side with mothers, and for mothers to automatically be granted custody of the children. 

"It's a mother's role to raise the children." 

Men were labelled as 'incapable' and not interested in raising their children, and until recently, that was a familiar narrative. 

FNF knew that things needed to change, and held a conference with Policy Makers, Legal Advisers, and fathers experiencing parental alienation. The documentation they formulated over the conference went on to influence the Children Act of 1989. 

As the interest for support grew, they held support meetings across the UK, where they knew that these men all required similar Legal Advice and insight into what issues may arise. The solution was to start a Newsletter, and when technology advanced, they opened a Helpline, which today receives 20,000 calls a year. 

They had come a long way from 1974, but the numbers calling for help never decreased. 

At some point, they became a charity, and surprisingly, mothers started showing up and calling for help. It became clear that the 'non-residential parent' was a more appropriate way to label these parents. It was no longer the 'absent father' as it was no longer gender biased. Families Need Fathers needed a rebrand with a name to reflect their values. 

FNF became Both Parents Matter, and it's true. The research evidence is everywhere on the web. It is known that boys growing up without fathers struggle with society, truancy, promiscuous behaviour, and fragile relationships. Young girls seem to show faster levels of physical maturing and start their periods earlier.

Children need both parents to thrive. 

If you are abusive and a danger to your ex, then you are a danger to your kids. This is not parental alienation; it's protecting your child. 

The safety of a child should come first.

The Cost of Divorce.

When people talk about the cost, it's often financial. The true cost of parental alienation is worse. Not only the time and money spent with legal advisers, mediators, therapists, unpaid time off work, the time it takes to get a hearing in the family court, time lost with a child, missing milestone moments, memories, but the toll it takes on one's mental health whilst trying to hold it together for the sake of the children. 

Undeniably true, the cost is hard, but when money is spent fighting for your right to see your children, it impacts everything from being able to provide a home to affording child support. Finances can be drained when locked in battle, and you need to make sure you are getting the best advice possible. You can't afford to throw money down the drain.

The Family Courts in the UK have a known backlog of approximately 18 months, which automatically causes a long delay in gaining access to your children.

Most people will find Both Parents Matter when they are at their wits' end, financially ruined and running out of hope. I am telling you to turn to them before you get to this stage. Navigating parental alienation and the system requires expert support and knowledge of documentation, how to present in front of a Judge, what you might need copies of, and every little detail to reduce the possibility of a delay or deferral to another date. Everything matters when you are fighting in an unfair system that doesn't take your emotional state into consideration, just the facts presented to them. 

Both Parents Matter has one of the most extensive websites I have come across in the UK. The documents you need to download, the process, advice, access to support groups in person or online. This can include professionals sharing what to do for certain aspects, such as finance. Just make sure you have ink in your printer and spare paper. When you call, they ensure you are getting the right support and direct you where you need to go next. Not everything available online is relevant to you. The volunteers are all experienced because of their own experience. I jokingly suggest that you could send smoke signals and they will find a way to support you. 

For some, this next paragraph may be triggering, but it is too important not to leave out.

I know that fathers and mothers suffer in this space, but I need to address the issue of mental health and men post-divorce. The numbers are higher- fact. There are many suggestions as to why, but here is mine, and it's derived from the people I have met in the last few years. Men fall into despair and it goes unnoticed. They respond they are ok, and unless you take the time to really be present and listen to them and ask the right questions, you would never know. They need someone to really listen without advice and without judgment because they are judging themselves enough.

If you are this man and you are struggling with your divorce and access to your children, click here. I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles, that turning up to support groups and listening to others share their experience, and advisers sharing their knowledge can really give you a boost. I have witnessed men in dark places listening to other men struggling with their divorce, and it can be inspiring and motivating. 

The legal advice and community support available at BPM can be the difference between giving up all hope and doing everything to get access to a child. 

Another side note. This may not be for you; you may be reading this for a friend or family member. 

Alienating a child from their parent is a form of abuse. Not only does the parent miss out on key stages and moments in their child's life, but the child misses out on a part of who they are. What happens when you alienate the child from themself? Matthew Pruen Relationship Coach Part II discussed this issue with regard to split loyalty, and it's probably something you never considered.

Both Parents Matter.

"A society where every child thrives in a strong and loving relationship with both parents.”

Tel: 0300 0300 110  Helpline: 0300 0300 363   

If you want to share your story or you are a professional who wants to share some insights, please contact me