The Hidden Mental Load Men Carry
A rant from a husband about the mental load. 'Why is our mental load ignored?'
When we discuss the mental load we associate it with mothers who run the ship whether they are working or not. I am not arguing that it doesn’t exist, it does and it’s fucking mental and ridiculous. Yet it appears we are at a point where men have lost the ability to make decisions on their own when it comes to the household and children, or is it because women have been conditioned to believe and trust that all men are incapable? Or are we doing too much, needing too much, being a little too pedantic?
Find me a husband who hasn't given up trying because we have all been berated for doing something incorrectly and not to our wives liking. Eye roll ladies.
So what if the knives and forks are mixed up?
I’ll tell you who cares, the magazines, my mother and her mother and the tuts from other women suggesting not so subtly ‘you are failing as a housewife.’ It’s a marketing lie enforced by pretty pictures and an excessive amount of recipes and thirty essential ingredients. My grandmother was happy to serve meat and veg or beans on toast. Hell, I was raised on jacket potatoes and cheesy beans and I turned out fine.
Stop being a fucking master chef and a domestic goddess and use the extra time wisely. Like smile for once instead of scowling at me.
Do you realise that as a husband I am also carrying a heavy mental load at work? I am seriously concerned about the cost of living, transport, job security, growing old and being ousted by the youth and AI, and then when I come home and put my bags down I worry if I forgot something instead of kissing her hello.
I am always on edge I will piss her off.
I don’t want to fluff the cushions she spent money on, because whilst she enjoys the pop of colour and the soft fabric, I am thinking, ‘I am never going to be able to retire at this rate. If I put my feet up to relax will she pick a fight about the cost of the footstool? I wish the finances weren’t my responsibility but this is how I was raised. I don’t resent it, but I don’t get a choice in this.
‘Be the man and care for my family’ I want to, I am, but I might die of a heart attack any day soon from the stress that rests on me.
Do you know how much money I bring home after taxes, pension, mortgage, car payments and any other debt we are paying off? Bet you don’t have a clue.
So whilst you get upset about what I do and don’t do as a man at home, take a few months to read up on the mental load that men are struggling with and we can’t ask you to share the burden of. And if you are a full-time working parent, or the person carrying the financial load, then this story wasn’t about you or for you. No need to get your knickers in a twist.
To my wife, if you ever find out this was me, “I love you, I love the kids, but when I tell you I am struggling, realise I am not competing with you in the exhaustion game and battle of life. I just need you to listen and help come up with a plan to share my mental overload too.”
Further reading
As always, reach out, share, tell me your story, your perspective, a comment or two. Divorce sucks, and together we can reduce the stigma of shame and failure that society insists comes with. Because life happens.