Dr Phil's 5 Questions Delayed My Divorce

I was miserable in my marriage and ready to leave my spouse as quickly as possible. I was lucky in that a good friend had suggested a post-nup agreement, and the lawyer she recommended suggested we set up a divorce agreement at the same time. I was fine with it because I was arrogant in believing he would continue to not turn up for the kids. He signed willingly. The deal was in his favour at the time. The post-nup also meant that if and when I was ready to leave, I could do so relatively quickly and painlessly. (Not quite painlessly) 

I highly recommend an agreement. It makes life cleaner and clearer when emotions are overwhelming and controlling your reactive nature.

I had reached the end of my capacity to live a lie when Dr Phil's lunchtime show stopped me and delayed my filing for divorce. There was this couple on the stage, already in the midst of their process, and he assured them that they were not ready to divorce. What? Dr Phil, they are already divorcing- a bit late! I shouted at the TV.

Dr Phil had caught my attention while I was peeling potatoes. 

I watched, listened, and disagreed. This couple should never be in the same room together. But then it suddenly clicked what he was saying. I couldn't answer yes to his five questions, and seeing that my spouse was blissfully unaware of my intentions to jump ship, I couldn't answer on his behalf or ask him what his response would be. 

Why would my spouse give up a maid, cook, cleaner, driver, shopper, and his children, organised and parented with love? 

Dr Phil got under my skin, and for days, whilst continuing with my mundane, miserable life, I couldn't stop thinking about the questions. Meanwhile, I was screaming inside, praying that my spouse would do me the honour of asking for a divorce or, at the very least, confess to an affair. 

The Five Questions

This is my response to the questions, and what I was thinking, and what happened. Knowing who he was when married did not prepare me for being divorced from him. The behaviour was there, but I believed he would be different without me. 

1: Have I done everything possible to repair my marriage? (e.g., counseling, reading books, and examining your own, not just your spouse's, contribution to the problems).

Answer: Yes. At the time, we had had plenty of therapy, and it was a disaster. He managed to make out that he was charming and wonderful, and I was the one with daddy issues. For about four weeks, he was wonderful and then back to his normal.

2: Do I have unfinished emotional business? (You are ready when you can walk away without anger, frustration, or hurt.)

Answer: No. I was frustrated beyond belief. I had given up my dreams and financial freedom, whilst he put us in financial chaos and refused to help me in any shape or form to do anything that wasn't about him. 

3: Have I researched, planned, and prepared myself legally for divorce? (Understanding finances, assets, and consulting with professionals)

Answer: Yes.   I was more prepared than most people. I had done my due diligence, I just didn't consider how cheap he would be when it came to basic costs.

4: Are you ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children? (Putting their needs first).

Answer: Yes. Obviously, Dr Phil! They always came first. Except I didn't truly understand what that meant at the time. I had to fight for their sanity, for balance and calm. The amount I spent on professionals intervening was astounding. His inability to consider them, and my covering for that, has caused long-term damage. 

You don't know what you don't know until you come out the other side and wish you could have done differently. 

5: Are you willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent? (Moving from spouses to effective co-parents). 

Answer: Yes. In retrospect, the answer was probably no. He never parented, and he rarely turned up whilst we were married. I believed that would not change post-divorce, and I had set myself up for being a single mother without support. But he did turn up, exactly as the agreement required, and that was way worse. The times for drop off were not age appropriate, the pick up times meant I couldn't work without help, which cost a lot more to maintain than the income I was offered. He then dated a woman who decided our 'balance' was there to destroy, and we never co-parented healthily again.

He sabotaged everything that would have made us effective co-parents. 

Further reading:

When was your 'I want a Divorce' moment?

My Thoughts About Co-Parenting During Exam Stress.

WeNup. Online Prenup and Postnups Made Easy

If you sat with these five questions and couldn't answer all of them honestly, or if co-parenting after divorce has been nothing like you expected, I want to hear from you. Reach out to me here.