He Said She Said
Same relationship. Two completely different versions of reality.
I had a rare opportunity to listen to an ex-wife and ex-husband complain about each other on separate occasions. At the time, neither of them knew about this site, and I suspect they still don't.
I believe it is rare that someone goes out of the way to cause harm intentionally, instead they are reacting from their experience of the events. Standing in someone else's position gives us perspective rather than judgment.
Why He Can't Stand His Ex-Wife
At first I was eavesdropping on John complaining about picking up his son that weekend and the stress of having to see his ex-wife. His body kind of seized up, and his jawline tightened whilst sharing his angst with the man next to him at dinner. He genuinely believed he was putting his children first, doing whatever it took for the sake of the kids, but struggling with the system of collecting and dropping off.
He said his friends and family were insisting he stay calm and do the right thing, but he was like a pressure cooker about to explode. He said, 'I assure you that if she even breathes near me, I might not maintain self-control. How did I love this woman? What was I thinking? How can I turn up for my kids when the atmosphere is like this? Why won't she back off?'
His distress and pain were real, trapped in a schedule the courts had decided. Even though he was following the rules, it was causing him harm.
I am certain his kids see the tension in him, his jaw clenching, the anger and restraint.
As someone who watched my kids experience the lunacy of returning home from their dad at the end of the weekend, I actually moved it to dropping the kids off at school on Monday morning. This allowed them time to breathe between homes and not feel guilty for leaving a parent behind. I leant over and quietly suggested to John that maybe he could try something similar, possibly do pick up after school on his days?
Same relationship. Two completely different versions of reality.
Why Is Her Ex So Awful?
The ex-wife I happened to meet at a coffee morning. She arrived late and totally frazzled. Someone asked if she was ok, and she replied, 'I just want to put my phone on silent and get on with my day, but because of the kids, I can't. My ex does my head in. He messages me non-stop about nothing and everything. He is unreliable! I thought divorce would make it easier. He thinks I am his secretary and we are still married. If the kids need something, he calls me. He is immature, selfish, and probably busy shagging some innocent twenty-something and then complains I am not home three hours early on his weekend. Sometimes I wish I could slap him across the face to wake him up.'
I stayed silent whilst she vented, and half way through the meet-up I realised she was that ex! I wished I had met her before him. I would have asked him a lot more questions about his role in her reactions to him.
Now, when someone complains about their ex to me, I notice that neither question what role they are playing in this dynamic. Notice how he never mentioned messaging constantly, and she never mentioned how she winds him up and why.
I went through exactly the same thing with my ex-husband. His lack of respect for my time, my needs, knowing I would drop everything for the kids was controlling behaviour. I would be an hour away from home and get a call that he is five minutes away. Then on loud speaker in the car, the kids would ask where I was. I would get flustered, agitated, and instead of coming home to a relaxed mum, they would get the worst version of me.
From first hand experience I know children feel and witness the animosity? You can try all you want to hide it, but your micro aggressions and tension are visible. Especially the nonverbal. If this is you and your ex, would you be open to an interview?
Further reading
If you were the child raised in this environment, tell me what you learnt about yourself, about your parents, and how it impacted or continues to impact the voice in your head. Contact me here.