Divorce Catalysts: Financial Infidelity & the Erosion of Trust

"Financial infidelity is often more destructive than sexual infidelity because it erodes the fundamental trust that marriage is built upon. When partners hide spending, lie about debt, or make unilateral financial decisions, they're essentially saying, 'I don't respect our shared life.'" - Suze Orman

What is Financial Infidelity?

Often defined as one partner lying about their finances and financial behavior. 

• Secret spending- Yes, you are allowed to make purchases without permission or needing to share every detail. This is more about lying by omission when you know it can put your finances in jeopardy or when it's an addiction. 
• Addiction - the financial cost of addiction is always more than money. Gambling losses are often hidden to 'protect' the other spouse from worry and with the intent to win back the money. This interview shares the story of a man whose family fell apart The cost of gambling is always more than money. Drug addiction also has severe financial implications, and is a topic I have yet to investigate. 
• Hidden bank accounts and Credit Cards. What are they hiding? They may see it as 'protecting' themselves? Could it be from you? 
• Making financial Decisions: Even when agreed upon within a partnership, there needs to be honest communication with easy access to paperwork. Being able to ask questions and receive clear answers. 
• Hiding debt. People may feel shame when they are in debt, and some people believe they can get out of the debt cycle alone. When you share a bank account, debt impacts your credit score and purchasing power. 
• Infidelity/Adultery: This is not often listed, but spending money on a lover or multiple lovers requires deception. These transactions are often revealed during a financial audit during the divorce process. Depending on where you live you might be awarded a percentage of the money spent. This can include airmiles and award points.

'I don't know anything about money, I leave it all to my spouse.' 

Why do you bury your head in the sand? 

Mothers, in particular, tend to check out of staying on top of managing finances. It is believed that because they are already spinning too many plates, one less plate is welcomed. Sharing the responsibility with your spouse shouldn't be a concern. It's in the interest of the family and your future together. 

There are two main issues with this:

1: How do you know your spouse is good at managing money? 

2: What happens when you wake up one day and they want a divorce? Where is all the money they managed? In many cases, the language becomes 'It's my money, she won't get a cent.' Money becomes weaponized. 

3: Do you have access to all the accounts? What do you know about assets, taxes and savings? Do you have a spreadsheet, passwords, and the details of your accountant or wealth manager?

Men have been raised to be the 'breadwinner' and society assures us they know about finances. Should you ask the average man in the street about their finances and investments, I suspect most won't know how to answer you. Financial jargon isn't that hard to understand, but you will need to ask for an explanation until it makes sense to you. The expectation over reality is that men 'get it'.

Money has been an uncomfortable topic for as long as I can recall. 

I am not here to judge you, but this is a nudge you should not ignore. If you struggle to talk about money, ask yourself why. Did your father take care of the family? Did your mother have a housekeeping allowance? Were you raised to believe discussing money is crass? 

What is your relationship with money?

Are you the man/woman in charge of all the finances?

Are you overwhelmed with this responsibility? You are definitely not alone in this feeling. Mainly it's the men I have spoken to who complain about their spouse having no idea how much they are struggling to make ends meet, and how they wish they would be more financially aware. Yet they never communicate this directly. Instead of sitting down and showing the bank balance, they confess that they have subtly suggested spending less or getting a part-time job. 

The stress they carry starts to impact their behavior and health.

Stop being reckless with your future. 

Research suggests couples with differing money values and financial goals are more likely to divorce. Have a look online for a Financial Quiz or a Money Personality Quiz. You and your spouse/partner should do this and then have an open conversation about your results. If you can, pay a financial adviser or an accountant to help you realize what you have, what you need and what you are missing for your golden years. 

Are you married and arguing about money? Imagine divorcing and arguing about money.

Do you have a joint bank account?

I am only sure about this. In the UK, should you or your partner have debt and share an account, your credit score is connected and will impact your access to mortgages, loans, leasing a car, and more. Think and ask before you open one, and work out how to manage the debt. The shame of being in debt often means that a person will hide it and hope it will be resolved or panic and watch it grow. When you are divorcing, that debt is shared. 

How will you react when you find out they hid their debt from you? 

How money personality differences can cause conflict.

You like to save but your partner likes to spend. You think about being old and secure and they want to live for today. They know you are conservative and to avoid arguments, hide purchases here and there- until it gets out of control. You find out and get upset they hid things from you. They are upset and see your conservative needs as controlling. 

The erosion of trust puts you on the path to divorce.

This clash of personalities is present from day one in your relationship. Married, divorced, single? Your relationship with money can impact all your future relationships when you avoid discussing money, or avoid your unhealthy relationship with money. 

Set goals, share needs, and communicate at all times. 

Finances and Abuse.

The new cashless society is making it even harder for women of domestic violence to scrimp and save. There is no savings jar to save up to escape. Banks are aware and have trained personnel to talk to, and how they can help you. Ask to speak to someone who is trained in domestic violence and coercive control. 

Should you want to share your story or you are a professional who wants to share some insights, please email me at contact@angryexwife.com