Discovering Your Desires: A Conversation with an Intimacy Expert
The lack of physical intimacy is a known force for divorce. Before you throw in the towel, know that there are professionals who focus on this issue.
“What is it that you truly desire? asks Lucifer. In all honesty, after this interview, I am not sure I know anymore. I have asked many people this question, and the response has been pretty much hesitation, thought, a squirm, followed by 'I don't really know.' I am not alone.
How can you expect your partner to know when you don't?
Kayce, the Love and Transformation Expert enlightens me.
Kayce focuses on working with couples (or individuals) whose relationship is impacted by 'issues in the bedroom'. This is the condensed version of an eye-opening conversation where I learned too much to share in one post.
Amongst her many skills, Kayce has experience working with individuals who enjoy what some might consider 'fetish' or 'kink', and with clients who are ashamed to share with their partner or spouse what they truly desire, even when it might be considered vanilla.
How society has played a significant role in your physical relationships.
The community in which we grew up can define our values and morals. Religious beliefs, where desire is often a dirty word. You may have overheard whispered conversations shaming physical contact and needs. A relative or a family friend chatting away about their experiences both good and bad.
Do you recall how your parents were together? Did they show affection in public or save it for when they were alone?
Movies and TV shows taught us about passion and desire and defined the roles of men and women. Women's and Teen Magazines wrote articles 'How to please a man.' but forgot to teach women to please themselves. They promoted ridiculous expectations that were unhealthy and were more about performance than intimacy or self-awareness of one's own needs and desires.
A conversation with a friend sharing what they get up to in the bedroom can open our eyes to how little we know is out there to explore.
What is Desire?
How did you learn about desire? Have you taken the time to explore or have you relied on your partner to take the lead? We aren't taught about desire. Kayce showed me how little I know, and I loved it. Her knowledge within this space is worth exploring even if your partnership is in a great place.
Throughout the interview, I shared very personal information with Kayce, and I experienced her as safe and respectful. Not once did she push for details without my permission.
She made me realise the importance of knowing where my 'NO' is.
Is your Marriage or Partnership Important to you? Read on.
I don't believe you should wait until your partnership is in trouble to try something like this. Unfortunately, many of you will reach out for help when things are awful rather than just not great.
We all know people whose marriages have ended because of a lack of physical connection and intimacy, and we also know many who remain together untouched. This lack of connection may lead to adultery and/or divorce.
I have nicknamed Kayce 'The Desire Mediator'.
Kayce works with individuals and couples by helping them understand what their desires are. I don't need to tell you that communication within relationships leads to a healthier, more intimate and more satisfying connection in and out of the bedroom. It starts with you getting to know what your desires are, and then you will need to feel comfortable sharing them with your significant other. Should you be ashamed of your desires, Kayce will work through that with you too.
Kayce works with a unique system called The Erotic Blueprint by Jaiya. Similar but less rigid to the Five Love Languages. You can try a self-assessment for free online here. https://bit.ly/xokayceBPquiznew
The Five Erotic Blueprints are: Energetic, Sensual, Shapeshifter, Kinky, and Sexual.
We can be one main characteristic and still play with other desires from another group. Nothing is set in stone and you are free to change your mind.
The Process
The process starts with a simple evaluation of where you are in the Erotic Blueprint™ providing a baseline for Kayce to understand your belief systems and what you believe your desires to be.
You may start as an Energetic, only to find you are more aligned with being a Sensual.
You and your partner experience the same evaluation process, and your results will show Kayce how you differ and how she can help you learn to meet each other's needs. You both learn individually and together how to be more comfortable with desire and how to share by being curious and vulnerable. This process may open up other needs that you might not be aware of, and it could be that you need some therapy or even some blood work.
ED can be one of the early signs of a heart issue.
With everything evaluated, when Kayce believes you are both ready, your homework begins. Homework is often a worksheet with guidelines tailored to teach you how to be present for yourself and your partner.
It may be a total disaster, and or revelatory.
You take your learnings to your follow-up sessions for Kayce to take you through the next steps. It takes time and is not a quick fix. Often the homework is successful in finding out what you both don't like to receive or do to each other. It is also important to learn to say No to things you don't want to do or share.
Throughout the sessions, with Kayce guiding you, there is a deconstruction of your preconceived needs whilst exploring your actual needs. At the same time, your partner is learning about their needs and sharing how you have shown up for them in the past. You may think what you have been doing is for their pleasure, but maybe they haven't had the heart or ability to tell you they don't like the way you do something.
Sometimes we don't speak up for fear of upsetting our partner.
You may need a warm, sensual environment, dimmed light, and music in the background, and your partner might need none of these. It's ok for you to set your own scene. Create your playlist, turn on the heat and turn down the lights. You may be parents where time is of the essence, but one of you might need extra foreplay- and that can start outside the bedroom days before. This self-knowledge is empowering and pleasurable.
We shouldn't be ashamed to share with our partner what we need from them.
Should you find yourself in need of other forms of physical contact or other play, and you want to experiment and learn more, Kayce has professional connections who are there to support you safely. Some techniques must be learned and should not be explored without professional support. Your partner may be interested in turning up with you, but they may not. They might be comfortable for you to explore using the guidance of a professional, and they may not. You both have to turn up authentically and that requires being honest about what you are comfortable with.
It's ok to say No.
The lack of physical intimacy is a known force for divorce. Before you throw in the towel, know that there are professionals who focus on this issue.
Kayce, the Love and Transformation Expert.
If you want to share your story or you are a professional who wants to share some insights, please email me at contact@angryexwife.com