I Thought We Would Be Raising Our Children Together
He knew that he had to do whatever it took to protect his family from falling apart.
Stephen was that man who left his first family for a different life. He wanted more travel, more fun, and just more. Whilst many see this as a midlife crisis, he saw it as midlife growth. Finally, after years of working long hours to provide for his family, he had time, and he wanted to make it count. Stephen wanted his wife to want more from life, but she was happy just where she was, raising their daughters. They tried therapy, but it made them realise how far apart they had grown. He had no interest in the suburban dream, and his wife was content.
The divorce was amicable, and he provided a healthy settlement arranged between them. There was sadness rather than anger, and he did his best to be a good father in the short time frame he had left before they headed off to college. He never had them come and stay over, but was involved enough to make sure they knew they were valued and loved.
Meanwhile, he moved nearby, made new friends, socialised, and traveled often.
Stephen wasn’t looking for a relationship, he was looking for adventure. Little could he imagine that someone he knew would introduce adventure to him. Gloria, the younger sister of a new friend. She was in town visiting, and he didn’t pay her any attention the night they met. She was also significantly younger.
Sadly, his friend Mike got sick, and Gloria came to visit often. Stephen being that kind man, offered to help wherever he could, and over time he found himself hanging out with Gloria. She was dynamic and fun to be around, even when she was struggling with Mike’s reality. He put it down to her being young, child free.
Gloria was almost 20 years his junior, and had a zest for life he had been seeking. Because of the age difference he avoided anything more than friendship, and he was recently divorced.
One evening, she leaned over and whispered in his ear, 'If I don't care about the age difference, neither should you,' and a week later, he stopped caring too. She was close to Mike, and eventually moved to be closer to him, and obviously, Stephen.
She took him on a whirlwind tour of concerts, travel and life.
Within the year they moved in together, and he felt like this was the energy he wanted life to be about. She wasn‘t interested in becoming a mother, but he was worried that by the time she decided she did, it would be too late. He felt obligated to push her to become one sooner than later.
I ask how his kids felt, and he shrinks a little.
The girls weren't happy, but they weren't unhappy. Even though his siblings had met Gloria before they started dating, it took them a while to accept their relationship. They laughed at him, he had become that cliche older man dating a younger woman. He laughed too.
A year later he proposed, even though she didn’t care about getting married, he needed the commitment. His need to do right by her in the traditional sense was important to him. They didn’t try to get pregnant, but they didn’t not try.
Leaving it to the universe took a couple of years.
The stigma of being an older parent is real, so why do it? Stephen thinks for a second and says ‘I never thought we wouldn’t be raising our children together.’ He proposed to Gloria believing this was for life. He hadn’t considered the marriage would fail. There was also another factor, he was old enough to be close to retirement, affording him the luxury of being a present father. He wanted to be that dad who collected his kids from school and took them to activities.
Initially, Gloria had stated she wasn’t that into being a mother, and was open about not feeling maternal. That flipped on its head when she gave birth. She became all out Mother Earth. You might say to the extreme. Stephen was essentially dismissed, not being allowed to care for their firstborn, and even when she fell pregnant with their second child, she controlled the narrative.
Breastfeeding does not protect you from getting pregnant.
He presumed she would need his help after giving birth to their second, but she doubled down on being their everything, and he gave up trying. He wanted her to be happy. Stephen was never allowed to care for his children on his own, and that meant they never got to spend time together as a couple. Gloria’s life revolved around their children, and after seven years of this, he knew he was being pushed out. That dynamic zesty woman he fell in love with was gone.
Stephen tried to continue life as normal. Work, travel and home. Home life became unbearable, but he put it down to her exhaustion and motherhood. He was damned if he did come home, and damned for not being home. When he was home Gloria made life impossible for him so that he wished he was away.
The turning point for Stephen was coming home late one night from a work trip. He turned off the lights to head upstairs when he heard a notification ping from the computer. The message was from a man he didn't know. His heart dropped. At first he thought ‘How can she have an affair when she is with the children 24/7?’ Then he realised it was someone she knew from her past, and she had been sharing everything with him in messenger. His anxiety went through the roof, and whilst the world started spinning, he focused on one thought.
He didn't want the kids to be raised in two homes.
He approached the topic in the morning, and Gloria lashed out. Blamed him and assured him he was the problem. She never once said sorry. She was blameless. Stephen knew that he had to do whatever it took to protect his family from falling apart. He found a therapist for himself and agreed to therapy sessions with Gloria, who chose the therapist. She painted a picture of him that removed all her accountability and somehow changed the narrative about her affair.
Although he knew their marriage was a lost cause, he continued to put in the work. He benefited from all the therapy, the personal healing, and growth. Stephen knew his children would benefit from a healthier father, something he didn't have with his daughters from his first marriage.
Unbeknownst to him, he would need all the patience and strength to get through his divorce.
Gloria started playing games at home. It began with changes to the children's bedtime, bathtime, storytime, and even dinner. She stopped eating with him. Then she claimed his snoring was disturbing her and the kids' sleep. They all slept in one room. He recorded his 'snoring', which was rare and not noisy. He complied, anything to make sure he was still in his children's lives.
The nail in the coffin moment was when she called the police, accusing him of threatening behaviour. The police followed procedure, and he moved out. Then the battle truly began. Overnight, he had to beg for access to see the kids, and one day she disappeared with them. He didn't know where they were for weeks.
His lawyer kept him from making rash decisions, helped him understand the options and the consequences long-term and short-term. He did everything by the book, and she threw the book at him time after time. Gloria wanted him out of her life, and the courts refused. Legally, he was allowed access to the children, and for a while, he was seeing them weekly.
One day, he turned up to collect the children as he had done for a while, only to find the house empty. She had packed up in five days and moved in with her parents, who lived hours away. Distance was not an issue for him, access was the most important thing. Stephen refused to give up, even when the costs ran high and the emotional exhaustion kicked in.
It took a few years, painful years, to get 50% custody of his children. He laughs that now he is officially retired, he gets to enjoy that 50% of every month to the max. The youthful energy he was looking for comes from hanging out with his children. He gets to teach them life skills, educate them, explore, and watch them grow up.
Meanwhile, Gloria and Stephen don't talk. The only thing they manage to agree on are topics about the welfare of their children.
I ask Stephen for advice for any parent going through this.
More often than not, the parent gives up because it's costly, overwhelming, and causes mental health issues. He believes in patience and an understanding that the process takes time. 'A lot of time and a hell of a lot of money.' A good attorney can stop you from lashing out and keep you on the right path.
Acceptance of where you are at in the moment can help you when you want to give up.
I know we judge men who date younger women, and the stats of a second marriage failing are higher than those of the first marriage. However, when we fall in love and commit to someone, we forget the possible expiration date.
Further reading
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