Therapy

Divorce can bring up shame, self-blame, guilt, and cultural guilt. Working with a therapist can help you with your emotional state and the unknown issues that often arise during divorce. When you feel overwhelmed or struggling with the changes, they can offer you tools to support yourself through awareness. How you carry the stress of divorce touches your children — they need one stable parent to thrive.

And/Or — Divorce Coach

Before you reach out to a mediator or lawyer, consider the benefits of a Divorce Coach. Trained to guide you through the process and prepare for every stage, you will gain a healthier perspective of what divorce means for you and your family. They can advise you on co-parenting agreements and prep you for court should you need to. Many divorce coaches have experienced their own high-conflict divorce, giving them insight into the manipulative and controlling behaviour that may arise. Importantly, they help you imagine your life post-divorce.

Lawyers and mediators are not therapists, and using them as one will cost you.

Family, friends, and colleagues may offer you support and advice with good intent, but it doesn't mean it's relevant to you. Sometimes it can cause you harm.

I am always amazed by the number of items I have in my home, and I wonder, should my house burn to the ground, would I be able to list everything I own? The fastest and simplest way to document what you have is to film it all. Take your phone camera and film everything, room by room, open every cupboard, drawer, under the beds, and don't forget the garage.

Later, when you have time, you can itemise everything that is yours, what you want, what you won't negotiate on, and note what you are prepared to give up. Some spouses will leave with nothing, and others will want to take everything.

Understanding your true cost of living can be a relief — even when the numbers are uncomfortable. Print off every bank statement and credit card bill for a year. You can use the budget further down to organise your costs, bank details, and card numbers. This document can be shared with your lawyer or mediator for the financial agreement negotiations. Now you understand the true cost of living, and potentially find discrepancies that your legal team will need to argue in court.

Some documents are rarely needed, but the original will be required for certain situations. The best way to deal with this is to have your own copies notarised or apostilled and store them safely. For example, your marriage certificate and birth certificates. For other documents, a digital or photocopy will suffice.

Gather all policies such as health insurance, home insurance, car insurance, vehicle ownership, property deeds, investment portfolios, pensions, and any other assets you own. Take note of the accountant(s) and lawyer(s) details. Should you find documents or accounts you were unaware of, copy these too and make a note. You will want to run an authorised credit check on yourself as a precaution to ensure that no loans or cards have been taken out in your name. Use the documents checklist further down.

Now that you have 'emptied your cupboards', you have the essential data needed for a financial adviser or wealth manager to input your parameters into their system to show you what is realistically on the table. Without the data from your income, savings, pensions, debt, and your cost of living, they cannot give you an honest and realistic financial audit.

The next step is to understand how to split your assets to benefit both of you. People often instruct their lawyer to do this, and charge for their time organising it, whilst potentially missing out parameters they are unaware of. This task can considerably reduce the time and money spent battling over finances that don't exist.

Don't be intimidated by the financial jargon. Ask for clear explanations. You would be surprised by the number of people who understand less than you.