Your Marriage Can Survive Infidelity. A Therapist Shares How
The person who cheated didn't cheat on you.
I recently had the privilege of interviewing a seasoned therapist whose main focus is on couples and marriages affected by adultery. She prefers to stay anonymous, and doesn't have space for new clients.
Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
Not always the case, but how will you know? More often than not, friends and family are insisting you leave, kick the cheating spouse from the house. It's a common reaction, but not necessarily the right one for you. Others will tell you to ignore it and move on, which is often a cultural response to keep the community safe. Either way, the pain may be so unbearable for you in the moment that the knee-jerk reaction will be to leave, or at the very least, kick the cheater out of the house.
The narrative that they have cheated once, and will continue to, isn't always true. It depends on the source of why that spouse did what they did. She isn't one to label people as is common on social media, 'attachment avoidant' etc, but the reason is always revealed at some point in the sessions together and are worked on.
Choosing to stay requires professional guidance to help you push through the betrayal.
Her core belief is that marriages can survive adultery, but only when both people do the work.
Staying Means Choosing to Show Up
This stage is where showing up can mean having meetings three times a week. The sessions are always together and in person. Why? Because trust has already been broken, and this removes the potential for suspicion of what's being said without them in the room or the thought that the therapist is colluding. It's about understanding and realising the commitment to stay together requires a significant amount of time, truth sharing, trust building, and support.
If you aren't prepared to do the work, then you shouldn't stay.
They Don't Cheat on You
Whilst the person cheated on might be saying, 'How could s/he have done this to me?' it is important to realise it's not about you. People cheat for their own reasons, and sometimes that can be a moment of opportunity. For example, the cliché business man at the hotel bar on a work trip who has a one night stand and then never again. That one night with a random stranger could have been kept a secret, but by telling the truth, potentially destroys his marriage and family. In that moment she assures me, he wasn't thinking about causing his wife harm or cheating on her.
It's uncomfortable to hear, but it makes sense even though I don't like it.
Put it into your head- The person who cheated didn't cheat on you.
Men Have Less Choice
It's not an excuse, but it's part of a behaviour that repeats, and a conversation rarely had which most people are unaware of - men have less choice, and they live with this as their normal. Men are raised to be the breadwinner, to support their family financially, and rarely get to decide they want to stay at home. They aren't raised with being the stay at home dad as an option, and the men who do are seen as emasculated and laughed at by their male peers. Personally, I know many men who chose this route, and they loved working and raising the family whilst their spouse worked long hours to focus on their career growth and success.
This is the mental load men carry, and women don't realise it. Men are seen as ATMs and security, and when they consider treating themselves, to 'do something for me', that candy store is women. They want to be adored, treasured, and step out of their 'good boy' reality for a moment.
You Don't Want To Leave, But Staying Seems Impossible
Now what? Your spouse has cheated, you are in excruciating pain, and you don't know what to do next. Friends and family might be advising you to leave, but something is stopping you for now. Family and friends aside, this decision is yours to make. Is there any way to save my marriage? The answer is Yes. This therapist assures me there is another path.
Should you want to try to move on from adultery, you need to know the following. It requires integrity, time, and a lot of patience. Time can mean turning up to numerous meetings a week, the time to go through the stages of building trust, and then continuing to maintain that trust. There is no quick fix.
If one of you isn't committed to staying together, you might still want to try some therapy to help you heal from your or their betrayal.
If you want your marriage to work, you need to do the work.
Generally, she has found the person who committed the act to be profoundly sorry. Whilst the person on the other side is feeling enraged, hurting, and reeling from the betrayal. Quite possibly numb. During the initial sessions the reason for the affair or one-night stand is unpacked, and when the truth comes out, the space can be very toxic at first. It's only when everything is out in the open, the toxicity levels reduce and become less important.
Until the truth is out, you cannot build trust.
Is There a Time Frame?
After experiencing betrayal, you can't put a time frame on how long it will take to heal. Imagine a broken leg. It takes time to mend, then you have physical therapy, you will have to take it slow and take care of yourself. You are left with a scar and sometimes that pain pops up, and there are times when it is otherwise forgotten.
This is the same, only different.
The Rules of Healing from Betrayal
100% transparency. Whatever the betrayed person wants to know, you tell them. Everything. They might want details down to the most intimate of physical aspects. Where they had sex, the restaurants they ate at, what noises they made in bed, what they liked or didn't like. It can include visiting the places they conducted the affair.
Some people will say ' you don't need to know the details'. This therapist disagrees.
Why? Pain needs to be contained, and the flailing imaginative mind needs to be calmed. Knowing every little detail and knowing every question will be answered with transparency is part of the process towards building trust.
Building Trust Takes Time and Kindness
What does the betrayed spouse need to build trust? Building trust whilst holding onto a lot of emotions is complex and requires this important next step. If they want their spouse to call them every hour on the hour- they need to do it. If they need a photo of their exact location, or want to be video-called, then that is what needs to be done.
Not everyone can do it, and those who can't end up leaving.
Do you think this is too much? I don't. Your spouse is in pain, the person you love is in pain caused by you. If you aren't fully invested in undoing the work, yet you are 'trying', then you are a 'little shit'. Her words, not mine. Again, I agree. If you are that spouse who rolls their eyes or shares that their spouse needs you to call hourly, as though it's ridiculous, you need to leave. It's a betrayal of the process.
When you truly care, truly love someone, you show up, and you do the work.
The Summary
She didn't say this was easy, it's a rocky journey. You start with 2-3 meetings a week until the information is in a 'container', and the betrayed person tires out. Once the information is exhausted, the meetings are needed less and less, to the point of only if and when needed. You don't get tools or exercise to complete, you just have to have integrity and 100% honesty at all times. That's the key to building a future based on trust and transparency.
Some Extra Nuggets of Wisdom
- DO NOT tell the kids. It's your marriage, not theirs.
- Laughter. Nothing is that serious. Find that thing that's funny. That thing that you can do when the other is losing it, and it makes them laugh.
If you are in the middle of betrayal, please get support. The emotions you are feeling can impact decision-making, ranging from legal to financial. The courts don't care about betrayal, and you won't get compensated financially for it, as far as I have learned.
Further reading:
If you want to share your experience or are a professional working in this space, please contact me. The more we share, the less alone someone feels. Or reach out to me at IG: AngryExWife